During my early adulthood, my juvenile mind used to think that working at a relationship was focusing on one thing and I thought that keeping a relationship fresh was all about the spontaneity of the bedroom. Oh, how foolish of me! I found out over time that my thought process was so off. I found out that a relationship can still be dull even if that department is all taken care of. In my last article “Relationships…No Science, Just Work Hard” I spoke about keeping a relationship fresh, but let me be clear; it isn’t all just about the physical. It is more emotional and spiritual than anything else. Think about it (talking to my fellas right now) …remember how impressed your woman was when you first got deep on her? Now, get your minds out of the gutter, and really think. I am talking about when she asked you a question about a particular topic with some serious substance to it, and she was probably thinking you wouldn’t have an equally substantial reply, then you hit her with that well thought out “deep” answer that simply left her in amazement! If you don’t remember, I’m sure that your woman does. Do you know why? Because that was the moment when you livened up the relationship (or the dating phase). You made it fresh.

You touched her in a place that she may have never been touched before or perhaps yearned to be touched again; her mind. You touched an emotional spot in her that she didn’t even know was still there, or may have been enclosed with extra barriers due to others that may have come before you-her heart. You reached a spiritual outlet in her, that she only thought she could get from holding hands and gathering “where there are two or more”-her faith. You enlightened her, showing that there is more to you than what initially attracted her eye. How do we keep it fresh? Well, begin to exercise her mind, heart, and soul. The body will naturally fall in line afterwards. Excite her to even have a conversation with you. Leave her baffled and wowed, yearning for more of your words, of your advice, or perspective on things. Learn how to connect with her on a spiritual level, like never before. Tell her how you feel about pertinent items like your God, culture, beliefs, community, politics and other relevant topics. Get cultured up man! Do it on your own, not as a response to her initial probe. Then check out her face afterwards (the rest of the physical part is natural)! Whew! Women absolutely love that in a man!

To my ladies out there, let me tell you that the same exact formulas applies to us mature men out here. However, the difference lies in that if you can stimulate us in this manner that I am referring too, then this is how you can prominently propel yourselves to the next level. The “I want her to stick around” level. The harsh reality is that many men will sleep with just about anything moving on this earth, but we actually let our standards and morals kick in much harder when it comes to making someone ‘wifey’ (men are very picky when it comes to that). Men always think there isn’t an importance or rush on finding that special someone because there are sooooo many fish in the sea. Ladies I hate to tell you but there’s some truth to that. Let me tell you, I have been in a relationship that had the best physical connection this side of the ocean, but when we actually took the time to sit down and share a glass of wine or cup of coffee, we couldn’t find seven words to say to one another. We sat there simply staring at each other. Would you know that I kept pressing on because of that one piece on the chain that connected so well, deep down knowing that all of the remaining pieces were broken and scattered all over never to be welded together into the perfect link; so I eventually dumped her.

I could’ve looked at it as time wasted, but I knew that I could move on and find another. Not the best mentality to have I know, but that is the way that plenty of us men think so ladies you’ll need to know to come with more than what the eyes can see and what the body can feel. I want you to understand that you can’t look at sex like it is the needle and the thread and if you do it with him you two will somehow emerge with a nicely knitted long-lasting quilt or sweater. I thought we all knew by now that a man can have sex at 1pm, leave that person’s house by 2:30p and don’t you know that at 2:52p he has possibly forgotten that he just had sex with you? Sometimes it can be that cold-heartedly meaningless to us, so I need you all to have more to offer us than just that. Let me make this as plain and clear as I can for each of you that are reading this: HE WILL NOT TAKE YOU TO THE ALTAR TO BE WEDDED JUST BECAUSE YOU SEX HIM GOOD. And if there is a man out there that will, trust me, he also will leave you heart-broken from divorce or adultery within six months. Everyone needs mind-stimulation. As you mature in age and life, the goals change and for most the ultimate goal is marriage or monogamy with a partner of quality. Therefore, I need you all to be able to carry a conversation and stimulate your partner’s mind …then we’ll see who can really withstand the test of time.

By: Vincent Ellis White, M.Ed.,

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